Journal Swap

Michelle has been much more determined and excessive with pain than I have been. But I'm glad her first love was more like me, in that she wasn't a drug addict or self mutilator because I see that isn't what MK finds the most impressive. I think she is attracted to innocence, sweetness, and kindness more than anything else. In her journals, it seems like all she wants is to break free from drugs and to love and be loved unconditionally. I said in some ways I wish I could've met her then, to really save her, but it's better this way. Back then she probably wouldn't have even liked me because I was into country music, butch/femme roles, and in other less petty ways we just weren't ready for each other. Plus she got the chance to get her life together on her own. For a while I felt jealous of one of her exes who is a more successful singer and a former if not current alcoholic and drug user because I wondered if MK would rather be someone cool like that than a dork like me.

Last night after our argument Mishy held me and Maren, my teddy bear, and said we are a family and that helped me calm down. Today I'm just repeating it over and over in my head like a mantra. Now I'm going to get into bed with Maren and try to sleep for an hour, but not all day. Maggie just text and we're going shopping so I can try to find this stupid dress for my sister's gay wedding. It has to be blue, purple, or green. She doesn't even care which shade. I haven't worn a dress for a long time though. Last night I dreamed I was trying to get on the train or Metro north and I kept being at the wrong entrance or wrong train and having to wait another fifteen minutes, and was freaking out. Then I met these two girls and they were trying to help me, and we were in a car. But then I realized they were doing some kind of drugs. The driver was giving it to the girl in the passenger and she was snorting it. In my dream I knew it was heroin and I'm sure I dreamed this because of reading the journals. Then I saw the train coming again and I made the girl drive backwards, full speed, toward it but we missed it anyway. It was a nightmare I guess.