Today I am going in for my second MRI. This is for the mysterious bump on my foot. In somewhat happy to be going again, since I enjoyed the first MRI so much. It was an extremely soothing emotional experience, like being in the womb, well, a giant mechanical womb. I really like Doshi too, that's the name of the MRI company. The girls at the front desk are nice, they were sweet to me when I felt upset because I couldn't get my earrings out (and still can't) and when I left my belly ring in the bathroom and the janitor threw it away. They put you in the MRI like a sheet of cookies into the oven. The doctor puts a blanket on you and headphones with white noise so the banging and droning noises of the machine don't overwhelm, and slides you right in. You stay in there for a half hour. The first ten minutes I cried very hot emo tears. I wanted to cry earlier, after the jewelry incident, because people being nice in doctors offices makes me think they will see my problems and fix them, and I cry in anticipation and premature relief. After crying I fell asleep, and every time the noises died down I hoped they would start back up and I could stay in there. Eventually, of course, it ended. But I am going back today!
I'm going back because the results from my MRI and x-ray showed nothing. They did it "without contrast" that time and now it will be "with contrast," meaning they shoot dye into my foot. Yesterday I had an argument with Dr. Schumann about the test results over the phone. Basically, he was saying he has no idea what my problem is, but that I should calm down and not be depressed, and that I should talk to the radiologist (as if I could get him on the phone!), and come back next week. He said maybe it's a fatty tumor that will show on an MRI with contrast. I was upset because I didn't understand that my foot even has fat on it, so how could a tumor hide in the fat? Then he said, "but you don't have pain, do you?" Of course I have fucking pain, that's the whole problem! I just wanted him to be definite about something. Instead, he made references to shoe insoles. We argued about who had ordered the MRI without contrast, he said he didn't, the radiologist did. I know this decision was made before the fucking radiologist ever laid eyes on my foot, because the insurance needed to know. Anyway, I said maybe Brenda did it, his secretary. He said, leave Brenda out of this, because it's his wife. He said they're trying to help me, and acted as if I should be grateful. I said, well that's your job, and it is! Our voices were raised and cutting each other off, then I hung up on him. :( Then I scheduled an appointment with a whole new doctor at the clinic by my apartment that's run by hassids and is shabby in many ways. Then I called MK and she seemed to imply I had done the wrong thing. So I got a stomach ache and went into the bathroom to pinch my arms and rock myself.
Then Brenda called and said she had scheduled the new MRI and I apologized for ending the conversation with Dr. Schumann abruptly and she said it was okay, they understood. So here I am, going back for a second MRI and with an appointment for next week even though he yelled at me on the phone. I should mention that I was already upset at the time of this argument because Sprint stole 35 dollars from me and the customer representative told me to hold ("you'll hear a couple seconds of silence...") and then hung up on me. I wrote them a letter though and they are reimbursing me even though they won't admit that their computer system is wrong and I am right: I haven't used picture mail or the internet since I cancelled the package over a month ago. But they value me as a customer, haha.
Regarding my band, I guess we are moving forward with song writing and not dealing with the tiny problem of getting people to come to our shows. The idea seems to be, if we write better songs, they will come. In my heart I know it's not true, but I like writing songs so I'm playing along. We wrote two new songs in the last couple weeks. One is a love song, here are the lyrics:
The world is old
The world is old
But this is new
Covered up, I discovered you
And love is old
Yeah love is old
But new to me
Buried underground, you found me
So what now? What comes next?
Right now I want to know the rest
Do we move out of the city
Into a home?
Can we leave at the same time?
Will we love at the same time?
Do we want it the same time?
Want to come at the same time?
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
And feeling free
Watching people on the city street
I understand
I understand
And I believe
All the answers are inside me
Hope is dangerous
And I should avoid it; is it contagious?
I try to consume it
See if they hate us; want to get wasted
Keep it a secret
Like a best friend should, till she can't take it
Tell it the same time
Tell it the same time
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