worried

this is a really dumb thing to worry about but i am extremely worried that my band will never have another show! if there was one lined up, then i could worry about it being bad. but there isn't one lined up. things keep falling through. and why? maybe it's a good thing because by the time it happens i will be able to bring more people ....maybe.....ew it's all so uncertain! we didn't have practice on friday so i feel like it's in my imagination that i'm even in a band. and i just got off myspace and saw all the things other people are doing and some of them haven't been together that long either. i am an awkward performer i think because i am nervous and self conscious but if i had a little practice?? but i can't talk to people. i'm not going to fucking send off myspace emails. i'm not walking into somewhere with a crappy rehearsal recording and try to be cute. i'm not going to harrass people i consider casual friends. i don't know what to do! i'm writing about it here instead!

actually i'm at my friend's house and we're heading to williamsburg to do some backup vocals for a boy we knew from school .... and i'm smoking and i shouldn't be because it definitely ruins my voice and makes me way more depressed and paranoid than i am naturally.

but i'm not paranoid. i just know what everyone is thinking. about me.

:O

sacrosanct on 5th avenue

This blog is now officially anonymous. There is no longer a link on my friendster profile, so no one can call me desperate for attention. Me? Desperate? Please motherfuckers. Never in a million years. I am perfectly fine with existing in a vacuum, in outer space, like a fetus floating out to the sun, sublimation, perfection.

It's so lovely outside (autumn) and ugly inside (the office and my soul) ..... this city and adulthood in general are way overrated. I never wanted to live in concrete like this! I love trees so much.

And I love Tatiana, my little lioness. She slept with me again last night. She's beyond beautiful, that face! But I think she's evil and antisocial now because I was gone too much and left her alone during the formative months and years. I think she is just starting to forgive me though. Also because I didn't pick her up or touch her enough. I just let her be, the same way I want someone to just let me be. But there was a period of time when she refused to come out of my teeny tiny room (in harlem) and lived in there all alone just sleeping. I think it affected her brain. She's uptight now, and doesn't play. But if you saw her! Absolutely the most gorgeous feline ever, and the looks she gives me, so intense, those eyes!

Many layers: hiding a rat

It's a rat, hiding in the deepest part, gnawing and squeaking. I feel so sad, I keep thinking of the saddest things, then I feel angry too. While Malu was leaving comments to me, I felt a little less alone, but that was an illusion. I am totally alone with the rat and I have nothing else.

Plus my stupid fucking birthday is coming. I don't want to turn 28. I don't want anything besides to shove a knife into the heart of God so he really knows how I feel. Oh wait, supposedly he learned that on the cross. But I wonder if he also felt some pleasure in being a martyr.

record

I got paid today. Which is good because my checking account had negative nine hundred and fifty dollars in it, and it wasn't even because of paying rent.

(is herpes hot?)

I'm going to see Kayo Dot tonight! I'm horrible at making and keeping plans, I never remember anything ..... but now I'm so excited! This band is mind blowing ...... I gotta buy some weed, fast! There's so much to do now! They are playing the Knitting Factory, an early show thank God.

Deterioration leads to nothing

In a few hours my mood has turned from mildly hopefully and peaceful in all ways to feeling the urge to cry really hard. I'm sorry, I know it passes, but I'm lonely! Really that's the crux of it.

I think God's favorite mood is the ironic one. Oh, it's funny, let's watch her go nuts! God teases me. I hate God and God clearly hates me too and thinks my pain is a joke. Fuck you God!

looking dirty and smelling clean

Sometimes on the subway I start looking around at All the jeans. I think about our way of dressing at this point in history, how it's all about jeans jeans jeans, and how some are so right and some are so wrong and it depends on so many factors, including price and body type and the cut and the material, the color, etc.