dancing with myself?

...had a sobbing session last night, ending up quite cozy on the bathroom floor with the door closed and the lights off. meditating on loss and death. meditating on loss and death, why? it seemed like the only reality there is. listening to the addict, lying. imagining her love, when she's healthy. a lot of snot came out, but it didn't clear anything up. so many things have already been lost. they're over and done. only a faint memory remains. so much waste. i'm thinking of my dad's face. i can barely think about him or anyone that i love because it seems they're already gone or will be, too soon. right now, when i imagine my life as a trajectory, it seems like a straight line headed for tragedy. all my romantic choices leading up to funerals. unless god intervenes, which, as we all know there is no god.