I don't want to be here but I belong here

Trapped in my own mind and my own extremely limited and somewhat demented consciousness! Why do I belong here? Because I am weak and lazy and I haven't worked hard enough at escaping? True, I pray more than most people, but I can't even fucking meditate! I must keep trying. I'm becoming more reading to give up, in a good way, and let go, in that I understand and accept that I belong here. But I don't want to be here! I want out... up... I want to escape pain badly enough to be willing to consider letting my self die. So I have been praying, mostly when I'm standing at the water on the west side highway looking over at New Jersey, saying I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE BUT I BELONG HERE but if there's any way I could move TOWARD the next level of consciousness, I'm ready, make me... really kind of begging god to make me brave enough to keep growing and changing. Then last night I had these intense dreams... only fragments remain. I dreamed this older lady was asking me if I'm ready to give up Maren. I said no! I love Maren (my teddy bear). I have slept with Maren almost every night of my whole life. She is a part of me. Well... so I said no, in my dream. There was another part of the dream where Michelle and I were rageful toward each other and went our separate ways for the night. The context and location was strange, I went "home" to a weird building and room. Also, there was a part of the dream where I was trying to catch the train and the doors were closing. My sister Cary or someone else tried to hold the doors for me but I didn't make it. Then I woke up with a horrible stomach ache from anxiety and couldn't go back to sleep. I took a little xanax and zantac and when I went back to sleep, I had a very sexual dream about Michelle. We were in a reclining "e-z boy" type chair and she was straddling me. We had clothes on and I was holding onto her hips and moving her into a good position for doing the girly grind. When I woke up, Tatiana (gato querido) was next to me as she had been all night, which is adorable. Michelle came into the room with coffee and a cigarette.