Who I am / who am I

Sometimes I have wondered, am I really as crazy as I thought I was, and how crazy, and in what way? And then I wondered if maybe I was just pretending to be crazy because I wanted to feel special and different. Reading old letters, even from the beginning of my relationship with Mishy, reveals some real problems with relating and being close. She kept telling me about her strong positive feelings, and I could not believe it. She would throw theories out there and I would pretend I'd already thought of them. I would use humor and sexuality to thwart certain bends of conversation, it's so sad really. Well, at least now I see it, which means I am growing and I have changed.

One of the major problems I've noticed is this feeling of rage that will come over me. When I feel that way, and I still sometimes do, toward Mishy, it's as if no love could be enough. I feel like I want to be a matter of life and death, at the pinnacle of attention, I want ALL the power, but I also feel very scared. Mich doesn't really question or insult me in ways that will exacerbate it. She loves me. This week I'm having the horrible experience of feeling the rage surface but knowing 100% that it's irrational. So what do I do?

Well, I have to do laundry tonight. I just hate the thought of sitting in the laundry mat, thinking about all this. I wonder if it has anything or everything to do with my mother.