Mamouns

washington square park

Who I am / who am I

Sometimes I have wondered, am I really as crazy as I thought I was, and how crazy, and in what way? And then I wondered if maybe I was just pretending to be crazy because I wanted to feel special and different. Reading old letters, even from the beginning of my relationship with Mishy, reveals some real problems with relating and being close. She kept telling me about her strong positive feelings, and I could not believe it. She would throw theories out there and I would pretend I'd already thought of them. I would use humor and sexuality to thwart certain bends of conversation, it's so sad really. Well, at least now I see it, which means I am growing and I have changed.

One of the major problems I've noticed is this feeling of rage that will come over me. When I feel that way, and I still sometimes do, toward Mishy, it's as if no love could be enough. I feel like I want to be a matter of life and death, at the pinnacle of attention, I want ALL the power, but I also feel very scared. Mich doesn't really question or insult me in ways that will exacerbate it. She loves me. This week I'm having the horrible experience of feeling the rage surface but knowing 100% that it's irrational. So what do I do?

Well, I have to do laundry tonight. I just hate the thought of sitting in the laundry mat, thinking about all this. I wonder if it has anything or everything to do with my mother.

Big changes on the horizon

So tonight I broke the news to the gentlemen of dead muse that I will be parting ways at the end of the year. I feel sooo fucked up about it tonight! I wonder if I did the right thing? It's easy to say goodbye to something that is 100% bad or even 90% bad. But during rehearsal I felt love for the songs especially the latest one, and I felt impressed by our progress as a song writing team, and my own personal progress in that arena. I feel I have some talent and that I'm about to throw away everything I thought I was working toward. I felt like crying while singing the last song, and the boys looked very sad too. They are very disappointed and don't want me to go! But I still went through with it. I'm worried that it's just my chronic discontent that made me dislike going to practice and counting the minutes till I was out of there. But either way, I have to make a life for myself. I applied to school, and feel very determined and excited to become a teacher. I will probably still not want to do things and be miserable doing them, but at least I'll be creating a good living situation and doing something meaningful. I wonder if I'll ever have the chance to write songs again. Obviously I can if I want to. But I wonder if I'm walking away at a critical point, as if good things might happen for the band if I stay. But I think no one will ever come to shows, and I don't like doing them anyway. I'm never going to want to network and meet people so that they come, oh there are a million reasons why they won't come. And even if they did, nobody's going to pay me for that. I am just scared in general of taking this leap, especially the idea of leaving my secure job next year in order to do substitute teaching, which I view as a crucial step in the process of becoming a teacher, for me. I felt very sure of my decision, but after breaking the news and contemplating it truly being over, I feel so ambivalent. I'm almost feel like I don't know who I am because I'm reminded of how I felt when I wanted to sing in a band so badly and believed it could go somewhere. But I want a peaceful, meaningful life. I don't like hanging out in bars or want to travel away from home all the time, even if that were a real possibility. Maybe if I was younger and single, or had a different personality. I worry too much about Tatiana when I'm away from her, and whether she's going crazy missing me or what.