Is this how you like it?

Look below, that's my real journal. That is an entry from the end of December. One correction necessary I think, it says MK is half boy and half girl, and she's totally a girl, she just has a few boyish features, like me.

Last night I helped work on the electronic versions of two dead muse songs, and Mark bought an amazing microphone that we used at his house, and some of my confidence about singing "returned." Well, I get the feeling back every time I'm doing something new rather than something I'm trying to perfect or get ready to present. In fact listening to this particular song, I heard much more feeling and freshness in the version we have on myspace, which was recorded the 2nd or 3rd time we ever played the song. The last time we tried to play it when trying to decide what to record, it stank. So we never play it anymore now so last night it was hard to decide whether to use the older lines I have on myspace or the new ones; in the end I recorded them all, and some new ones, and will let Mark decide what to use and where to put it. It's fun singing on a good microphone, I've always enjoyed that. Playing piano in the jazz band in h.s and would have so much anxiety over doing a "solo" haha. I would refuse. They would all go into the part where I should do a solo and play quietly to hear me and I would just keep playing the main chords. Also then the panic in gym class during volleyball when the ball would come to me and I would see it coming and freeze and it would just fall at my feet and everyone on my team would be mad and disappointed, doh! I felt so gross during that time. But why do they say teenagers have raging hormones, are idealistic, etc when you can be that way your whole life? If those feelings go way, I think you're done, your shit is just over, that's not living really is it? So last night my new parts say mercy, mercy, mercy, mercy. So after all these years after freezing up and even my dad who is a piano player who loved jazz and blues working with me and then I sang in gospel choirs and also was afraid to make up parts which of course is what the gospel singers are supposed to do especially during the emotional vamping parts, but now here I am I totally get it and love it and it seems to be my specialty. If I just breathe and listen I hear the theme, where the melody is supposed to go and how to communicate with the other peoples parts, and then I just come up with some words or themes that have been on my mind that day or week and elaborate a little but not a lot. It doesn't have to be a whole story and the latest song isn't finished that sings about a bus to Munsey, it's about me seeing the jews getting on the buses to Munsey and how I think they are hot. Mish thinks they're gross because of the hair and I know they often have dandruff and smell funky but I like the smell of funk and I like how they're always reading the giant book and wearing the little outfit and the curls and I didn't grow up with Jews plus I like the separation of men and women and the hats and the accents and I like kosher food too. But the song is also about sadomasochism hehe. Even though I am not confused anymore thinking that I'm sadistic or masochistic because I'm not I just like the ideas, I don't like them in real life, it's gross, especially with diapers or anal fisting and all that crazy shit, I just like it in the abstract, to discuss it and think about control. (Yes that is cat food puke next to my head on the couch because they do that when I buy the cheap food.)