Emotions between two people: a closed system

I'm wondering so many things about emotion right now, and two people being close. How much should I say about it in the blog? haha, SHOULD say nothing, it's all extremely private. But I'm picturing her and in the state I may have possibly put her, to my horror and slight relief. Thus far I've absolutely amazed myself by how easy it has been to be close with her and such a stable ship for three months already, not one breakup or even really significant rift! I'm a new woman. But yesterday I had a few feelings making me think, oh no what if the monster returns. Then it's a question of whether or not I have the capacity for sustained closeness. Maybe I have no real self and that is why I feel the sense of disintegration that can only be stopped by keeping the illusion of self isolated. Maybe I don't want MK coming any closer right now or she'll see there's nothing in there? Maybe I am sadistic also, the other worry. I definitely feel better once I stick a knife in, it is the only thing that alleviates the anxiety. Before the knife, I was MK but where was I? Then I felt a fearful feeling that I had to make go away. Then I pushed her back. Now she's at a farther distance. That isn't sadism! But I want her to know what I did to other people, I want her to feel it too. Yes, I also want to be the kindest and sweetest to her, but I also want her to fear me, no that is not right. I don't want her to fear me at all. Only understand that there are scary things in me. so I'm warning but and also giving her all the information she needs. She's the smartest one I've ever met, so I think it's time for her to see more of me.