call the doctor

Send me pictures of your pain / make me feel the same

love to hate the newspaper (The Post)

Fucking piece of trash newspaper. So upset why does this shitty conservative newspaper even exist in NYC? It's not representative! It's like Fox News. Okay I like all the pictures and celebrity news, which is all fake, but I so hate the opinions! They are full force attacking Barack Obama, who I like! I like him because he reminds me of people I knew in Minneapolis and the church I grew up in and (biracial) boys I dated and because he seems really smart and sincere, also because his wife is named Michelle! Fuck you Post, all you can do is look for the tiniest errors possible in his speeches and try, oh try try try to make him look stupid. They even criticized him saying "empty rhetoric" claiming that it's a redundant phrase. Reaching pretty hard and far I think! If grammar is your number one value run an articule on any speech made by Mr. Bush the fucking bumbling idiot retard (how's that for redundant, but it's called hello emphasis). Oh and yesterday they tried to claim all of a sudden there's this new poll showing that "America" supports the war, "Finish The Job" was the headline. Stupid polls! Even if they did show that, it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do, it just means somebody's PR campaign is working! God why so so so much lying, $$$ dirty bullshit? And they will convince the stupid people, who will run out and vote for whomever they're told for whatever reasons they're told. Plus why don't they leave Britney Spears alone?? I like that girl. She shaved her head! She's just a simple, sweet girl who became a child star which makes people insane in the first place and the newspaper acts like she's the first person to puke on herself after drinking too much! So she's not the best mom, I'm sure she has a nanny unlike all these other shitty moms running around out here who are not famous! And back to the first issue, why are they making such a big deal of Obama being younger and less experienced? Obviously having spent even more years in the dirty$$ world of politics does not make you a better president, isn't Bush enough of an example?? He grew up in it, look at what a fuck up job he did, loser! They're all losers, none of them care at all about changing the country for the better of the people, but I really think Obama does from everything I've read, and I haven't read his book, but I don't need to, because I don't need to prove it to anyone, and if a stranger reads this and wants to challenge me on technicalities and information based proof of opinions, let's be clear right right off the bat I trust my instincts and they tell me that he is a good one and a smart one. The newspapers are so obviously owned by whoever is greatly threatened by the prospect of having a president who would be "for the people" and not "for $ corporations $" so they are attacking him! Even making fun of his book title "the audacity of hope." It IS audacious to hope, especially in the face of almost without exception nothing but corruption and stealing, and the hoarding of money that most governments engage in, and I mean the whole world over and throughout history. But the writer said, "what is that anyway," about the audacious hope. Asshole! At least the man is trying to hope for something better so he obviously knows everything is busted right now! Sometimes I wonder if a war even really exists in Iraq! Maybe they tell us it's the army and they really take all the recruits to secret locations and do medical experiments on them? Okay I'm joking now.

Emotions between two people: a closed system

I'm wondering so many things about emotion right now, and two people being close. How much should I say about it in the blog? haha, SHOULD say nothing, it's all extremely private. But I'm picturing her and in the state I may have possibly put her, to my horror and slight relief. Thus far I've absolutely amazed myself by how easy it has been to be close with her and such a stable ship for three months already, not one breakup or even really significant rift! I'm a new woman. But yesterday I had a few feelings making me think, oh no what if the monster returns. Then it's a question of whether or not I have the capacity for sustained closeness. Maybe I have no real self and that is why I feel the sense of disintegration that can only be stopped by keeping the illusion of self isolated. Maybe I don't want MK coming any closer right now or she'll see there's nothing in there? Maybe I am sadistic also, the other worry. I definitely feel better once I stick a knife in, it is the only thing that alleviates the anxiety. Before the knife, I was MK but where was I? Then I felt a fearful feeling that I had to make go away. Then I pushed her back. Now she's at a farther distance. That isn't sadism! But I want her to know what I did to other people, I want her to feel it too. Yes, I also want to be the kindest and sweetest to her, but I also want her to fear me, no that is not right. I don't want her to fear me at all. Only understand that there are scary things in me. so I'm warning but and also giving her all the information she needs. She's the smartest one I've ever met, so I think it's time for her to see more of me.

God is the unfathomable mind that contains all minds

The title of this entry is all I really want to say on the subject, but I'll make a few notes here about what led me to that statement, namely, a few problems-

1) How to accept the infinitely vast body or bodies of knowledge that I will never be able to comprehend, for instance: how to build bridges, all engineering questions and answers, all the languages, familiar with all geography and neighborhoods, advanced math and sciences including chemistry biology and diseases, how to perform surgery on every organ, ***having read every book ever written including autobiographies and memoirs and understanding every single person's experience (this is the most important one) etc so on and so forth

2) How to accept that at any point I cannot even bring to mind all the experiences and knowledge that I've acquired throughout my own short life, the elusivity of memory including all sense memories, smells sounds emotional perception, also how to do a back handspring, nursing, execute elaborate dives into water, speak spanish

3) How to make sense of the way the present moment, of all the moments that have ever occured or ever will, is the one only that definitely exists and therefore means anything but that I perceive myself as being trapped by it or actually am. The feeling evoked by looking at old pictures of models or physically beautiful people and knowing they are wrinkled and gross now or dead.

4) The fact that each individual being perceives their self and their experience as being primary and having the most importance with regard to attention and definition of reality, a totally stressful oxymoron! I mean really, in this moment and since the beginning of time and forever! Separation and connection, simultaneously; what is the actual difference between two minds?

5) How to reconcile the meaningless of every single thing with its value as that thing

That's it for now! The problems are all solved if you believe god to be the sum of all minds present past and future. This is similar to the "blanket" referred to in the Hucklebees movie and it also is a little like buddhism, except there god would also be or mostly be totally separate from all minds and from mind absolutely. But non-duality is great because it allows me to say that god is both separate from and symbiotic with mind. Where is my mind?

Here are pictures of mixing from last night. The first shot was taken not too long before I added marijuana to the mix of falafel with "everything" and Schmirnoff vodka and ended up violently vomiting for over an hour, getting the chunks all over my sweater and face when they splashed in the toilet and Brian had to bring me water but I threw that up too, and could barely walk out of the building but once in the car I heard the mixes to the last song and it was great, I'm low on that one but on the other I am pretty bright and loud and honestly I'm totally happy with them I have fantasies about being played on college radio now, and opening for someone good but that's a more nervous fantasy because performing makes me too self-critical and self-conscious it's not that fun to me yet. I still feel very sick today.

red red red

Beddy time for baby

Aw isn't this the cutest picture ever ever ever?? Look at Misch without her little glasses on! She's going to bed! Look she's sitting on the potty! Awwww this one just kills me. I will definitely miss the tiny she-devil while I am in the studio this weekend! Usually I see her tonight, Friday night, and the love marathon begins! Instead this weekend we have to wait till Sunday, and I will come on the train as soon as I can. Hopefully I can have the chicken parm that her mom makes on Sunday evening, if I get there in time. Either way, cannot wait to be snuggy with Misch even though one night is not enough and I have to work again the next morning, and then steal her to Brooklyn Monday night. We have plans, many many plans. I wish the time I spend away from her I could say was invested in something income-producing, something to bring to the nest, but I suppose relieving my creative urges keeps me almost sane and happy, which is important also. So tomorrow starting at noon we (DM) will start recording at a studio in Williamsburg. All week I've been struggling with cold/flu symptoms and freaking out about it somewhat; I took Wednesday off work and have been non-stop slamming tea and airborne water and eating soup and fruit. The results are that I feel pretty good today which bodes well for tomorrow, but I also have such terrible gas at the moment that I have made the whole reception area smell like a kitty litter box and the tums aren't really helping. Hopefully I'm getting ready to shit out the last traces of sickness once and for all.

Angel

Want you in a family kind of way, MK

Look .... my cousin just had a baby. Her name is Ella; she is three days old.