Anyone with common sense knows that if I am a decent person, I won't post all Michelle's business in this blog. In fact, she's incredibly tolerant (and even enjoys it, dare I say) of the amount of information that I do share, but it's a fine line to walk. Seeing as how we're hardly speaking today, which is largely my prerogative, I thought I would share a couple recent events that are of concern to us both, and hopefully will be discussed further at a later date.
First of all, what really is the difference between psychosis and imagination? Like, if you catch someone talking to an imaginary friend, and they claim they were fully aware that it was only imaginary, might they be lying (primarily to themselves? Especially if they're one of those types who knows all the DSM lingo and what should and should not be occurring)? What if you catch them in the act several times in a row?
For instance, the weekend before last, Michelle stayed over. As I was coming home, I heard her having an animated telephone conversation with someone- she sounded quite angry, in fact she was yelling at someone. When I unlocked and opened the apartment door, there she stood, alone, and not on the phone at all. I said, "Who were you talking to?" And she said, "I was just venting about you." Never mind that it was supposedly about me... I decided to put it out of my mind. The next day we were in our bedroom and I left for a few minutes to do something. As I was coming back, again, I heard her engaged in animated conversation, but this time it sounded light and happy. I thought, "Is she talking to someone on the street through the window?" I heard her say, "Okay girl! I gotta go... talk to you later!" I came into the room and once again asked, "Who were you just talking to?" This time she responded in a much more confused manner, citing the name of someone I didn't know. She initially said she had been on the phone, but then began to admit that she had only been pretending to be on the phone, and not only that, but talking to someone she had made up in her own mind, based on a name she heard at work. "Like an imaginary friend?" I asked. And she assented. At that point, I asked straight out if she were having psychotic episodes, and she said no, somewhat bashfully, as if embarrassed, yet smiling. "I'm not psychotic," she said, "I'm just lonely." Ok, ok. So later in the day, I heard her outside our bedroom window by the garbage cans... I watched her through the window, mumbling angrily, then swearing and talking loudly about how the garbage wasn't organized right, etc., energetically throwing things into the can and slamming things around. Is she just releasing some long-repressed rage? IDK.
Yesterday morning, she texted me that she saw a ghost during the night, and upon waking, couldn't shake the image from her mind. She said that she had addressed the ghost, "What are you doing here?" or some question like that. She said, when I asked, that it was a dark woman, just staring at her from a corner of the room. She said she supposed that it wasn't really a ghost, but an image seen in a half-awake-half-dreaming state. And I thought to myself, "Or, it's an indication of psychosis," and said nothing.
This morning I received an email from her (dated yesterday) saying she had almost fallen into the 14th street subway tracks (why? how? I didn't ask). In the past, I would have emailed back something like, "Oh my goodness! Be more careful next time," but I'm only human, and there's only so much I can worry over losing the one I love. At a certain point, the heart just wants to protect itself and nothing else.
Which is why, when she texted me yesterday asking, "Can do a load of laundry with anything besides detergent?" (???) and wrote that she had taken the day off work, I responded saying, "Nice. Good. I'm thinking of having a sexual affair." To which she responded, "Wtf?" etc. and called me up right away. She said, "It isn't fair," and I said, "I know, I know." But I wasn't sure what else to say. I won't really do it. It's wrong, and I love her. The very fact that I told her about it as soon as I began to consider it is a sign that I won't cheat, but it must be a sign of something else too. "In general," I told her, "This is not what I signed up for." I have been talking with a lot of people who are in relationships (of some kind or another) with an addict, and the stories are all the same, the addicts are all the same, it all has the same ending: if you're lucky, you detach and move on.
That said, I still love her. I miss her. I want the whole thing to work out. Whoa, just got first text of the day from her... let's see what the fuck she's up to now.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
respectable, yet demented
Remember that freak who made a comment about her dreams the other day? Well, she obviously caused me to have some similar dreams! Okay, so last night I dreamed the following: my ex., E., lived below the apartment that Michelle and I lived in. I went downstairs holding some papers from my journal and a small blue journal that belonged to M. When I saw E., I was totally shocked and happily surprised! What are the chances that we would end up living in the same building! So we embraced, etc., and she was even tinier than her normal size. Then I realized my papers and little blue book were missing. I started to freak out, but E. didn't realize or admit the seriousness of the problem. I told her that I absolutely could not go home without Michelle's journal, and furthermore, I couldn't remember what I had written on those papers, and must find them! After a frantic but fruitless search, we went upstairs and I introduced E. to M., meanwhile contemplating how to break the news of the journal loss. Suddenly a bunch of E's friends showed up in our apartment and started taking over. They were users of hard drugs, to my horror. Before I knew it, Mich was high as a kite and telling me that I had to stay on the one side of the apartment for the next few weeks. I protested, since she gave me the side with no windows and two large TVs, and I don't even like to watch TV. But she was totally gone at this point, speaking to me rudely and implying a breakup if I had a problem with anything she said or did. I tried to get all the guests out of our apartment and lock all the windows and doors, but primarily I realized that I needed to change my myspace password. Of course, like in many of my dreams, the websites weren't working properly, and my goal was thwarted repeatedly. Then I was trying to take a shower and something about dyeing my hair brown or cutting it... I don't know... and finally I ended up in a bar with friends. I had a surge of great happiness, and I turned to my (unknown) friend and said, "I'm so proud of us, we didn't even smoke any weed!" And she said, "Yes, but let's still celebrate," and we turned to the bar to order drinks. Then I felt tired, and depressed. Suddenly, I was in the passenger seat of a car, being driven by a man, and he pulled up alongside a dark parking lot where my unknown friend was with another man and surrounding them, other people. My driver backed up and repositioned our view so that I could see this was no ordinary group of people but an obscure, writhing orgy. My friend was facing a wall and the man was behind her, pulling out his very large member and preparing to insert it. I also saw a woman in squatting position, bouncing up and down with a man behind her, and I realized I could hear the moaning and other sexual noises of all these people, and I rolled down my window just a little bit to hear it more clearly... then I woke up.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
yr a hot mess, girlfriend
So... I don't know if people appreciate the type of post I did yesterday- a copy and paste of information. I don't know how many people will even read it, or see themselves in all that, but when I read it (on www.soberrecovery.com), I just started crying. I have never really identified with the "codependent" term, but when I read about "counterdependency," I saw my name in neon, blinking lights. Especially when I read that counterdependent people don't like to identify or see themselves in codependency. Because yo, we just are not weak and needy like that! Yeah, fuck that! And fuck everyone... etc. Then I read how counterdependents often fall for people who are even MORE counterdependent, and act out the codependent role, and I can totally relate to that. Like, experiencing codependent feelings (in my mind=love) when rejected. Interestingly, however, in my 28th year of life, I choose Michelle, who is quite the codependent little damsel (in my opinion), to marry. Right away, I knew I could commit to her, and that our relationship could last. Why? Perhaps because she's a "wounded healer," so to speak, like my mother- A natural caretaker who struggles with addiction and other mental illnesses- who is, therefore, highly unstable (and unavailable) in significant ways! How nice, how safe. How familiar. No need to worry about an addict getting too close and consequently smothering/annhiliating me.
Realizations... la la la. Stuff I kind of already knew. But the counterdependency thing, that's a new concept for me. And I get it: I've set myself up for failure! Aaaackkk! Phtoey! (That's me spitting).
I'm still living alone (with my pit bulls). The move-back-in date for Michelle has been pushed into mid-July due to violations of our agreement. I miss her very much. I'm trying to be strong and make the right decisions and hold my ground though. It certainly doesn't help that I'm extremely worried about Tati right now (my cat). She apparently developed such a severe case of constipation that it became *obstipation* ... she had to go to the hospital last weekend to get the poo digged out and receive fluids and enemas and the whole 9 yards... which came to 14 motherfucking hundred dollars. I had to spend money that I had saved up for when I have to quit my job and start student teaching. Of course I didn't have pet insurance (how many people do?), and now the whole "pre-existing condition" is an evil reality for us (we're fucked).
The worst part is that since coming home on Monday afternoon, she still hasn't pooed. I've been feeding her the special W/D food, with lactulose and fish oil and water mixed in... doesn't seem to be working. The vet says, "Bring her right back in or take her to the hospital again!"
But the PRICES ARE OUTRAGEOUS. SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS. Where do they get off? I can't pay for any more treatment at this point. She's only 6 years old, otherwise healthy, but now she might die! I feel that I have failed her, as a mother, due to my own ignorance. What, am I going to just watch my cat/caughter die? It's so awful. Why do they make it financially impossible to treat an animal? It's a fucking cat!!!! Jesus. I'm so mad about it. So I guess I'm going to order these *kitty enemas* from Pet RX online and try to care for her myself.
Al-anon and Nar-anon are all about surrendering to your higher power (god, whatever), but I feel super mad at god right now, and like there is no god, so what's the point. I can submit to these realities in my life, but it doesn't bring me joy or peace. I feel instead like I am submitting to the evil bullshit of the world, and it feels like an inevitable giving up.
Nobody hardly ever comments to me on here, but you know, you can. If you disagree or whatever, it's totally fine. I probably won't curse you out, unless you say something particularly offensive or stupid. But again, if you're someone who knows me, just post anonymously so I don't become obsessed with whether or not I might have offended you in particular or gotten someone in trouble. I'm an open book, you know. (Because I feel like I have no real self. But I do. I do!)
Realizations... la la la. Stuff I kind of already knew. But the counterdependency thing, that's a new concept for me. And I get it: I've set myself up for failure! Aaaackkk! Phtoey! (That's me spitting).
I'm still living alone (with my pit bulls). The move-back-in date for Michelle has been pushed into mid-July due to violations of our agreement. I miss her very much. I'm trying to be strong and make the right decisions and hold my ground though. It certainly doesn't help that I'm extremely worried about Tati right now (my cat). She apparently developed such a severe case of constipation that it became *obstipation* ... she had to go to the hospital last weekend to get the poo digged out and receive fluids and enemas and the whole 9 yards... which came to 14 motherfucking hundred dollars. I had to spend money that I had saved up for when I have to quit my job and start student teaching. Of course I didn't have pet insurance (how many people do?), and now the whole "pre-existing condition" is an evil reality for us (we're fucked).
The worst part is that since coming home on Monday afternoon, she still hasn't pooed. I've been feeding her the special W/D food, with lactulose and fish oil and water mixed in... doesn't seem to be working. The vet says, "Bring her right back in or take her to the hospital again!"
But the PRICES ARE OUTRAGEOUS. SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS. Where do they get off? I can't pay for any more treatment at this point. She's only 6 years old, otherwise healthy, but now she might die! I feel that I have failed her, as a mother, due to my own ignorance. What, am I going to just watch my cat/caughter die? It's so awful. Why do they make it financially impossible to treat an animal? It's a fucking cat!!!! Jesus. I'm so mad about it. So I guess I'm going to order these *kitty enemas* from Pet RX online and try to care for her myself.
Al-anon and Nar-anon are all about surrendering to your higher power (god, whatever), but I feel super mad at god right now, and like there is no god, so what's the point. I can submit to these realities in my life, but it doesn't bring me joy or peace. I feel instead like I am submitting to the evil bullshit of the world, and it feels like an inevitable giving up.
Nobody hardly ever comments to me on here, but you know, you can. If you disagree or whatever, it's totally fine. I probably won't curse you out, unless you say something particularly offensive or stupid. But again, if you're someone who knows me, just post anonymously so I don't become obsessed with whether or not I might have offended you in particular or gotten someone in trouble. I'm an open book, you know. (Because I feel like I have no real self. But I do. I do!)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
OMG, me
Codependent & Counterdependent
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Dysfunctional Relationships Dynamics part 1 - Power Struggle
By Robert Burney
In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will 'push our buttons.' This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people.
Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.
Codependence is an emotional defense system that is set up to protect the wounded inner child within us from the shame of being exposed as unlovable and unworthy, as stupid and weak, as a loser and failure, as whatever it was that we got the message was the worst thing to be. We were taught to evaluate whether we had worth in comparison to others. Smarter than, prettier than, faster than, richer than, more successful than, thinner than, stronger than, etc., etc. In a codependent society the only way to feel good about self is to look down on someone else. So we learned to judge (just like our role models did) others in order to feel good about ourselves. Being "right" was one of the most important ways to know that we had worth.
When a codependent feels attacked - which is any time it seems as if someone is judging us - it can be with a look or a tone of voice or just that someone doesn't say something, let alone when someone actually says something to us that could be interpreted as meaning that we weren't doing something right - the choices we are faced with are to blame them or blame ourselves. Either they are right - in which case it proves that we are the stupid loser that the critical parent voice in our head tells us we are - or they are wrong in which case it is time to attack them and prove to them the error of their ways.
In most relationships where the people have been together for a few years they have already established entrenched battle lines around painful emotional scars where they push each others buttons. All one person has to do is use a certain tone of voice or have a certain look on their face and the other person pulls out and loads the big guns. One person is readying their answer in their head to what they "know" the other is going to say before the other even has a chance to say it. The battle begins and neither one of them actually listens to what the other is saying. They start pulling out their lists of past hurts to prove their point of how each other is "doing" horrible things to them. The battle is on to see who is right and who is wrong.
And that is not even the right question.
The type of questions we need to be asking are: "What button just got pushed?" "Why am I reacting so strongly to this?" "How old do I feel right now?" "In what way does what is happening feel like something that happened in my childhood?" "How does this remind me of the way my parents acted or treated me?"
We attract into our lives those people who will perfectly push our buttons for us. Who fit our particular issues exactly. When we are looking at life as a growth process then we can learn from these lessons. If both people in a relationship are willing to look at what is underneath the dynamics that are happening - then some magical, wonderful intimacy can result. As long as we are reacting unconsciously to the past, then we will blame and argue about who is right and who is wrong.
A relationship is a partnership, an alliance, not some game with winners and losers. When the interaction in a relationship becomes a power struggle about who is right and who is wrong then there are no winners.
Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 2 - Dysfunctional Definition of Love
As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims.
One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal.
It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say "I can't smile without you" "I can't live without you" "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power.
Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.
There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after. We are not incomplete until we find out soul mate. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles. The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)
1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.
Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.
As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving.
Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 3 - Codependent & Counterdependent Behavior
Attempts to control are a reaction to fear. It is what we do to try to protect ourselves emotionally. Some of us (classic codependent behavior) tried to control through people pleasing, being a chameleon, wearing a mask, dancing to other people's tunes. Some of us (classic counterdependent behavior) protected ourselves/tried to be in control by pretending that we didnít need other people. Either way we were living life in reaction to our childhood wounds - we were not making clear, conscious choices. (If our choice is to be in an abusive relationship or not to be in a relationship at all, that is not a choice - that is reacting between two extremes that are symptoms of our childhood wounds.)
Both classic codependent and classic counterdependent behaviors are part of the condition/disease of codependency in my definition. They are just two different extremes in the spectrum of behavioral defense systems that the ego adapts in early childhood. The ways in which we got hurt the most in childhood felt to our egos like a threat to survival, and it built up defenses to protect us.
While the classic codependent had their sense of self crushed (it is 'self' destroying to feel that love is conditional on pleasing others, living up to the expectations of others - even if our parents never raised their voices to us) in childhood to the extent that confrontation (owning anger, setting boundaries, taking the chance of hurting someone, etc.) feels life threatening, so the classic counterdependent feels like vulnerability (intimacy, getting close to/being dependent on other people) is life threatening.
Both the classic counterdependent and codependent patterns are reactive codependent traits that are out of balance and dysfunctional. We do need other people - but to allow our self worth to be determined in reaction to other people is giving power away and setting ourselves up to be victims. It is very important to own that we have worth as the unique, special being that each of us is - not dependent on how other people react to us.
This is a very difficult process for those of us who have classic 'codependent' patterns of trying very hard to get other people to like us, of feeling that we are defined by how others think of us and treat us, of being people pleasers and martyrs. Classic codependent behavior involves focusing completely on the other (when a codependent dies someone else's life passes in review.) Having no self except as defined in relationship to the other. This is dishonest and dysfunctional. It sets us up to be victims - and causes one to not only be unable to get one's needs met, but to not even be aware that it is right to have needs.
A classically codependent person, when asked about themselves, will reply by talking about the other. Obviously, before someone with this type of behavioral defense can experience any self-growth, they have to first start opening up to the idea that they have a self. The process of owning self is frustrating and confusing. The concept of having boundaries is foreign and bewildering. It is an ongoing process that takes years. It unfolds in stages. There is always another level of the onion to peel. So, for someone whose primary pattern is classically codependent, the next level of growth will always involve owning self on some deeper level. A very important part of this process is owning the right to be angry about the way otherís behavior has impacted our lives - starting in childhood.
Classic counterdependent behavior focuses completely on the self and builds huge walls to keep others out. It is hard for those of us who exhibit classically 'counterdependent' behavior patterns to even consider that we may be codependent. We have lived our lives trying to prove that we don't need others, that we are independent and strong. The counterdependent is the other extreme of the spectrum. If our behavior patterns have been primarily counterdependent it means that we were wounded so badly in childhood that in order to survive we had to convince ourselves that we don't need other people, that it is never safe to get close to other people.
Each of us has our own spectrum of behavioral defenses to protect us from being hurt emotionally. We can be codependent in one relationship and counterdependent in another - or we can swing from co to counter - within the same relationship. Often, someone who is primarily counterdependent will get involved with someone who is even more counterdependent and then will act out the codependent role in that particular relationship - the same can happen with two people with primarily codependent patterns.
Both the classic codependent patterns and the classic counterdependent patterns are behavioral defenses, strategies, design to protect us from being abandoned. One tries to protect against abandonment by avoiding confrontation and pleasing the other - while the second tries to avoid abandonment by pretending we donít need anyone else. Both are dysfunctional and dishonest.
And both are at their core a Spiritual wound caused by the illusion that we have been abandoned by our creator.
Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 4 - Come Here, Go Away
We are all carrying around repressed pain, terror, shame, and rage energy from our childhoods, whether it was twenty years ago or fifty years ago. We have this grief energy within us even if we came from a relatively healthy family, because this society is emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional. When someone "pushes your buttons," he/she is activating that stored, pressurized grief energy. She/he is gouging the old wounds, and all of the newer wounds that are piled on top of those original wounds by our repeating behavior patterns.
We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will 'push our buttons.'
As long as we have not healed our childhood wounds then there are a lot more than two people involved in our relationships. There may only be two people in the room - but the room is also full of the ghosts of all of our past emotional wounds. Until we start clearing our emotional process of the buttons/triggers that throw us into the past, we are not capable of being honest in the now. When we react in the now out of old wounds and old tapes we are being emotionally dishonest with ourselves and our partners.
The way the dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a "come here" - "go away" cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again. It happens because our relationship with self is not healed. As long as I do not love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me - and if someone doesn't love me than I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back. On some level we are trying to earn the love of our unavailable parent(s) to prove to ourselves that we are worthy and lovable.
What is normal and natural in romantic relationships in this society is for a person whose primary fear is abandonment to get involved with someone whose primary fear is being smothered/losing self. The person with abandonment fears reacts to shows of independence on the part of the other as if the other were abandoning them. That causes them to become more needy and clinging - which causes the other person to pull away - which causes the first person to cling more - which causes the other to pull away more. Eventually the person with abandonment fears gets angry and disgusted and pulls back into themselves - which to the other makes it safe to come back and plead to be let back in. And after a short honeymoon period the dance can start all over again.
"Wait a minute!" you are probably saying if you read my last article in this series (codependent & counterdependent behaviors), "you said at the end of your last article, that both the codependent and counterdependent types of behavior were reactions to fear of abandonment."
That is true. The codependent type of behavior is an attempt to overcome the core belief that we are unworthy and unlovable by working real hard to earn love from another. The more a classic codependent feels they are being abandoned the harder they work.
The counterdependent is someone who is so convinced of their core unworthiness that their defense is to not open themselves up enough to admit they need another because they are sure they will be abandoned if anyone else sees who they really are (I used to feel if I ever truly opened up to someone, they would run away screaming in horror at my shameful being.) So, they abandon before they can be abandoned (this includes abandoning themselves by being attracted to people who are unavailable - saves them from taking the risk.)
Both types of behavior are dysfunctional and self defeating. Codependents are drawn to people who will abandon them (this abandonment does not have to be physical - it can be emotional so that the relationship continues but the codependent person has to settle for crumbs instead of truly getting their needs met.) Counterdependents let down their guard once every 5 years or so and let in someone who will perfectly betray and abandon them in order to prove that they were right in the first place to not open up to people.
It is very boring and incredibly painful to keep repeating dysfunctional relationship patterns. The way to stop repeating those patterns is to start healing the wounds that we suffered in childhood. A big part of this process is awakening to the reality that it is not our fault that our relationships haven't worked out. We were set up to fail to get our needs met in relationships by the unhealthy environments we grew up in, by the dysfunctional and dishonest definitions and role modeling that we experienced. We were powerless to do things any differently than we did them until we started to examine our patterns and discover the ways in which our childhood experiences have been running our lives.
One of the most important steps in learning what Love really is - in starting to Love ourselves in healthy ways - is to start working on forgiving ourselves for being little kids who were wounded by being raised by people who were wounded when they were little kids.
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Dysfunctional Relationships Dynamics part 1 - Power Struggle
By Robert Burney
In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will 'push our buttons.' This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people.
Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.
Codependence is an emotional defense system that is set up to protect the wounded inner child within us from the shame of being exposed as unlovable and unworthy, as stupid and weak, as a loser and failure, as whatever it was that we got the message was the worst thing to be. We were taught to evaluate whether we had worth in comparison to others. Smarter than, prettier than, faster than, richer than, more successful than, thinner than, stronger than, etc., etc. In a codependent society the only way to feel good about self is to look down on someone else. So we learned to judge (just like our role models did) others in order to feel good about ourselves. Being "right" was one of the most important ways to know that we had worth.
When a codependent feels attacked - which is any time it seems as if someone is judging us - it can be with a look or a tone of voice or just that someone doesn't say something, let alone when someone actually says something to us that could be interpreted as meaning that we weren't doing something right - the choices we are faced with are to blame them or blame ourselves. Either they are right - in which case it proves that we are the stupid loser that the critical parent voice in our head tells us we are - or they are wrong in which case it is time to attack them and prove to them the error of their ways.
In most relationships where the people have been together for a few years they have already established entrenched battle lines around painful emotional scars where they push each others buttons. All one person has to do is use a certain tone of voice or have a certain look on their face and the other person pulls out and loads the big guns. One person is readying their answer in their head to what they "know" the other is going to say before the other even has a chance to say it. The battle begins and neither one of them actually listens to what the other is saying. They start pulling out their lists of past hurts to prove their point of how each other is "doing" horrible things to them. The battle is on to see who is right and who is wrong.
And that is not even the right question.
The type of questions we need to be asking are: "What button just got pushed?" "Why am I reacting so strongly to this?" "How old do I feel right now?" "In what way does what is happening feel like something that happened in my childhood?" "How does this remind me of the way my parents acted or treated me?"
We attract into our lives those people who will perfectly push our buttons for us. Who fit our particular issues exactly. When we are looking at life as a growth process then we can learn from these lessons. If both people in a relationship are willing to look at what is underneath the dynamics that are happening - then some magical, wonderful intimacy can result. As long as we are reacting unconsciously to the past, then we will blame and argue about who is right and who is wrong.
A relationship is a partnership, an alliance, not some game with winners and losers. When the interaction in a relationship becomes a power struggle about who is right and who is wrong then there are no winners.
Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 2 - Dysfunctional Definition of Love
As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims.
One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal.
It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say "I can't smile without you" "I can't live without you" "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power.
Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.
There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after. We are not incomplete until we find out soul mate. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.
True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles. The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)
1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.
Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.
As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving.
Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 3 - Codependent & Counterdependent Behavior
Attempts to control are a reaction to fear. It is what we do to try to protect ourselves emotionally. Some of us (classic codependent behavior) tried to control through people pleasing, being a chameleon, wearing a mask, dancing to other people's tunes. Some of us (classic counterdependent behavior) protected ourselves/tried to be in control by pretending that we didnít need other people. Either way we were living life in reaction to our childhood wounds - we were not making clear, conscious choices. (If our choice is to be in an abusive relationship or not to be in a relationship at all, that is not a choice - that is reacting between two extremes that are symptoms of our childhood wounds.)
Both classic codependent and classic counterdependent behaviors are part of the condition/disease of codependency in my definition. They are just two different extremes in the spectrum of behavioral defense systems that the ego adapts in early childhood. The ways in which we got hurt the most in childhood felt to our egos like a threat to survival, and it built up defenses to protect us.
While the classic codependent had their sense of self crushed (it is 'self' destroying to feel that love is conditional on pleasing others, living up to the expectations of others - even if our parents never raised their voices to us) in childhood to the extent that confrontation (owning anger, setting boundaries, taking the chance of hurting someone, etc.) feels life threatening, so the classic counterdependent feels like vulnerability (intimacy, getting close to/being dependent on other people) is life threatening.
Both the classic counterdependent and codependent patterns are reactive codependent traits that are out of balance and dysfunctional. We do need other people - but to allow our self worth to be determined in reaction to other people is giving power away and setting ourselves up to be victims. It is very important to own that we have worth as the unique, special being that each of us is - not dependent on how other people react to us.
This is a very difficult process for those of us who have classic 'codependent' patterns of trying very hard to get other people to like us, of feeling that we are defined by how others think of us and treat us, of being people pleasers and martyrs. Classic codependent behavior involves focusing completely on the other (when a codependent dies someone else's life passes in review.) Having no self except as defined in relationship to the other. This is dishonest and dysfunctional. It sets us up to be victims - and causes one to not only be unable to get one's needs met, but to not even be aware that it is right to have needs.
A classically codependent person, when asked about themselves, will reply by talking about the other. Obviously, before someone with this type of behavioral defense can experience any self-growth, they have to first start opening up to the idea that they have a self. The process of owning self is frustrating and confusing. The concept of having boundaries is foreign and bewildering. It is an ongoing process that takes years. It unfolds in stages. There is always another level of the onion to peel. So, for someone whose primary pattern is classically codependent, the next level of growth will always involve owning self on some deeper level. A very important part of this process is owning the right to be angry about the way otherís behavior has impacted our lives - starting in childhood.
Classic counterdependent behavior focuses completely on the self and builds huge walls to keep others out. It is hard for those of us who exhibit classically 'counterdependent' behavior patterns to even consider that we may be codependent. We have lived our lives trying to prove that we don't need others, that we are independent and strong. The counterdependent is the other extreme of the spectrum. If our behavior patterns have been primarily counterdependent it means that we were wounded so badly in childhood that in order to survive we had to convince ourselves that we don't need other people, that it is never safe to get close to other people.
Each of us has our own spectrum of behavioral defenses to protect us from being hurt emotionally. We can be codependent in one relationship and counterdependent in another - or we can swing from co to counter - within the same relationship. Often, someone who is primarily counterdependent will get involved with someone who is even more counterdependent and then will act out the codependent role in that particular relationship - the same can happen with two people with primarily codependent patterns.
Both the classic codependent patterns and the classic counterdependent patterns are behavioral defenses, strategies, design to protect us from being abandoned. One tries to protect against abandonment by avoiding confrontation and pleasing the other - while the second tries to avoid abandonment by pretending we donít need anyone else. Both are dysfunctional and dishonest.
And both are at their core a Spiritual wound caused by the illusion that we have been abandoned by our creator.
Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 4 - Come Here, Go Away
We are all carrying around repressed pain, terror, shame, and rage energy from our childhoods, whether it was twenty years ago or fifty years ago. We have this grief energy within us even if we came from a relatively healthy family, because this society is emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional. When someone "pushes your buttons," he/she is activating that stored, pressurized grief energy. She/he is gouging the old wounds, and all of the newer wounds that are piled on top of those original wounds by our repeating behavior patterns.
We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will 'push our buttons.'
As long as we have not healed our childhood wounds then there are a lot more than two people involved in our relationships. There may only be two people in the room - but the room is also full of the ghosts of all of our past emotional wounds. Until we start clearing our emotional process of the buttons/triggers that throw us into the past, we are not capable of being honest in the now. When we react in the now out of old wounds and old tapes we are being emotionally dishonest with ourselves and our partners.
The way the dynamic in a dysfunctional relationship works is in a "come here" - "go away" cycle. When one person is available the other tends to pull away. If the first person becomes unavailable the other comes back and pleads to be let back in. When the first becomes available again then the other eventually starts pulling away again. It happens because our relationship with self is not healed. As long as I do not love myself then there must be something wrong with someone who loves me - and if someone doesn't love me than I have to prove I am worthy by winning that person back. On some level we are trying to earn the love of our unavailable parent(s) to prove to ourselves that we are worthy and lovable.
What is normal and natural in romantic relationships in this society is for a person whose primary fear is abandonment to get involved with someone whose primary fear is being smothered/losing self. The person with abandonment fears reacts to shows of independence on the part of the other as if the other were abandoning them. That causes them to become more needy and clinging - which causes the other person to pull away - which causes the first person to cling more - which causes the other to pull away more. Eventually the person with abandonment fears gets angry and disgusted and pulls back into themselves - which to the other makes it safe to come back and plead to be let back in. And after a short honeymoon period the dance can start all over again.
"Wait a minute!" you are probably saying if you read my last article in this series (codependent & counterdependent behaviors), "you said at the end of your last article, that both the codependent and counterdependent types of behavior were reactions to fear of abandonment."
That is true. The codependent type of behavior is an attempt to overcome the core belief that we are unworthy and unlovable by working real hard to earn love from another. The more a classic codependent feels they are being abandoned the harder they work.
The counterdependent is someone who is so convinced of their core unworthiness that their defense is to not open themselves up enough to admit they need another because they are sure they will be abandoned if anyone else sees who they really are (I used to feel if I ever truly opened up to someone, they would run away screaming in horror at my shameful being.) So, they abandon before they can be abandoned (this includes abandoning themselves by being attracted to people who are unavailable - saves them from taking the risk.)
Both types of behavior are dysfunctional and self defeating. Codependents are drawn to people who will abandon them (this abandonment does not have to be physical - it can be emotional so that the relationship continues but the codependent person has to settle for crumbs instead of truly getting their needs met.) Counterdependents let down their guard once every 5 years or so and let in someone who will perfectly betray and abandon them in order to prove that they were right in the first place to not open up to people.
It is very boring and incredibly painful to keep repeating dysfunctional relationship patterns. The way to stop repeating those patterns is to start healing the wounds that we suffered in childhood. A big part of this process is awakening to the reality that it is not our fault that our relationships haven't worked out. We were set up to fail to get our needs met in relationships by the unhealthy environments we grew up in, by the dysfunctional and dishonest definitions and role modeling that we experienced. We were powerless to do things any differently than we did them until we started to examine our patterns and discover the ways in which our childhood experiences have been running our lives.
One of the most important steps in learning what Love really is - in starting to Love ourselves in healthy ways - is to start working on forgiving ourselves for being little kids who were wounded by being raised by people who were wounded when they were little kids.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Driving / Biking etiquette
Yesterday something highly unpleasant happened to me as I was biking back from Prospect Park along 9th street. I was in the bike lane and approaching 8th avenue, which had a green light. As I approached, I let one car in the oncoming traffic turn left and then I wasn't going to let the next one turn because I had the right of way. If I was in a car I would definitely have had the right of way. and as a pedestrian, no doubt, the turning cars have to wait for ppl to cross the street on the green light. Anyways, this fucking bitch in a white van rushed it, making me slam on my breaks and flip over the front of my bike into the street. This was undignified, and when I got up I was full of rage. And the driver, an overweight Latina, says to me, "Don't you watch where you're going?" I thought I would explode with wrath. I walked up to her at her car window, "You could have killed me, I had the right of way, you have to yield, it was a green light!" And she stupidly says, "Exactly, it's a green light so I can go," as if she never completed drivers training at all. We argued like this for a bit and she kept asking, "Are you serious? Are you serious?" The argument quickly deteriorated into me screaming, "Fuck you, fuck you! You stupid fucking bitch!" at the top of my lungs. She looked surprised, and I felt no fear. I understood then how people get into fist fights or shoot each other over traffic altercations. But our fight was cut short as she sped off and yells out the window, "Fuck you, dyke!"
How did she even know I'm a dyke? I was wearing a helmet so she couldn't see my hair, and my jeans were tight, I wasn't dressed manly at all! Whatever. Maybe I should have got her license plate number and reported it to someone official (as if anyone would really care). Thank god I didn't break or sprain anything, I just got the skin scraped off my elbow and hand, a bruise on my shin, and a bruise on my hip.
Michelle spent the night last night. She is moving back in on the 26th. In the meantime, I continue to work on my own happiness: fish oil, probiotics, exercise, acupuncture, orthotics on the way, castor oil compresses... chronic pain management.
How did she even know I'm a dyke? I was wearing a helmet so she couldn't see my hair, and my jeans were tight, I wasn't dressed manly at all! Whatever. Maybe I should have got her license plate number and reported it to someone official (as if anyone would really care). Thank god I didn't break or sprain anything, I just got the skin scraped off my elbow and hand, a bruise on my shin, and a bruise on my hip.
Michelle spent the night last night. She is moving back in on the 26th. In the meantime, I continue to work on my own happiness: fish oil, probiotics, exercise, acupuncture, orthotics on the way, castor oil compresses... chronic pain management.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
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